I had a moment of where all I could do is lay curled up, wasting minutes on sorrow. Collecting the dirt, stench and tears. All I could do was finish little projects on my lap while trying not to let the tears hit the pages. The words wouldn’t come. My patience for reading was practically none. My body ached. I was weak alone, and most of all scared. Scared of what my life may turn out to be. What my life was already. Knowing that I was not where I truly wanted to be but being thankful I was strong enough to do what I had to. There was nothing more sadden then looking at myself in the mirror. Trying to wipe away the smudges that poured down my cheek..
Deciding to get up after three days in ball. I went out middle of the night just to walk in a store. Just to make myself be strong, to remember to breath, remembering I am alive and that I was not worthless like my mind tried to tell me. After an hour of walking, browsing the else’s, I collected the items I needed to and silently with my head down walked out into the rain to the car. I stopped midway just to look up into the rain to say thank you for reminding me that I am a person, a wonderful person and thanking the sky reminding me I wasn’t in the ground yet. After making it back inside the cold, stuffed car I leaned my head against the steering wheel to let a few tears go. Yelling and thanking myself all in one moment. The thoughts, emotions came faster than a coaster.. Putting thoughts in my head that didn’t belong there.
After wiping the last few drops I finally drove back home where I did not want to be present at. Yearning to go somewhere else. Anywhere but here. The house still was silent. So creeping to my room I laid my bag on the floor and slid down against the bed putting my head into my hands. This time I couldn’t control it. The tears, the sorrow all came pouring down. Putting the radio on low so no one near could hear my cries.. I slipped back into my pajamas thinking maybe this time I could fall asleep. I was wrong, nothing.. No sleep again. Deciding to light a candle and turn of the lights. I sat on the floor behind the small hazelnut lit candle. For once in a long time I bowed my head and prayed a soft sincere prayer. While looking at the candles flame mesmerized by the beauty of such a simple item. After having a sweet comforting conversation with a dear loved one. I soon blew out the candle and crawled into my dog covered bed. Hoping that this round I would be able to get some sleep. While my mind races, emotions flipping I finally drift off to sleep.