I was sitting there about 8 at night pacing my floor thinking what I need to do to calm down. All day I was on the edge. Yelling and screaming at any little noise.. Everything triggered me. I finally collected some scented candles, a lighter and headed to the bathroom. My mind was racing..telling me things, showing me horrible images. I finally lit the candles and stepped into the hot steaming shower stall. The light above was a black light. So now the candles and the black light gave me a ”ahh” sensation. After sitting with my back against the wall on the floor of the shower I got out and went into the cabinet door to find a pack of razor blades there.. It was like they magically appeared.
I haven’t had blades in the house since years back. I don’t know what over came me but I grabbed one with a rag and went back into the shower. I laid the rag with the razor blade in the floor next to me. While letting the water pour down my face and the scent of hazelnut run through my nose, I looked over to the side of me. While glaring at the blade I was fighting every inch of me not to pick it up.
My demon mind kept telling me that I needed the pain to help calm me down..to help me relax..then I would fight back and tell my self there are better options then this.. You don’t want to accidentally kill yourself..You want to live.. but the power was too strong the pain was already taking over me.. While shedding many tears I first laid the blade on my arm close to my elbow and easily went up. Not enough to bleed but enough to feel the blade. After a couple hard sobs, again I reached for the blade and this time marked my arm.. Just enough for it to look like a deep cat scratch.. I never meant to hurt myself. I just wanted the pain to go away.. The sorrow, the anger, the worries of everything in my life.. I just couldn’t handle it.