A lost poem

I wrote the poem below in 2014 when I was heavily struggling with depression.  To those who struggle with mental illness as I do or the ones who are struggling anyway just know life is beautiful and so are you.

My story
I have overdosed
Slit my wrist till I had to have stitches
Self-medicated with everything I could get my hands on
The curse started by genes
Then environment
Abused, neglected, abandoned, molested
10 years of age started drugs and drinking
Continued to cut myself in many places
Never once reached out till now
A list of disorders ‘’illness’’
Hospitalized several times due to it
I battle waking up
Not knowing if I could handle one more day
Every night staring at the walls afraid to fall asleep
Would that terrible man be there in my dreams?
Why did he take my innocence away, I was just a little child?
Flash backs come and go
Trauma they call it
They say self-harm
I say feelings I can control
All I want or ever wanted was to not hurt inside anymore
Was that too much to ask for?
The episodes and uncertainly scares me
They say leave it behind and move on
I want them to stay but maybe they will hurt me
My insecurities get the best of me
What is simple to you is a major for me
Some say I am useless
I say I am just sick
How do I still carry with so much burdens?
I take every day as a blessing
One more day to ‘’fix’’ my mistakes
Sometimes it’s simple things that overwhelm me
Some days I’m hopeless
Other days I am on top of the world
Very few friends, Family is apart
I try to forgive but then the pain rushes inside me again
Medications come and go
Yet still no relief from this misery
This beast inside, I cannot hide no longer
So today I’ll use it to conquer today
Instead of fighting it
I make messes without realizing what I have done
It’s dark, cold and sometimes lonely here
Some days’ I am so numb that a blade would feel as soft as a piece of silk against my skin
Nobody still sees the cry for help or the pain it brings to me
Everybody who read this and battles with some sort of mental illness remember this one saying ‘’we belong in the chaos called life’’ 

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